My friend once told me about what kind of person I am. I know that people can read my mind and my feeling through my face. It does not mean that they are smart. I just let them in. She said that I was gloomy, or depressed. I just told her that I was mad at the campus life. It, in fact, was not the most difficult thing I face. The problem is about me and the environment around me. Then, she wisely suggested me that I had to release my emotion through telling my closest people.
Then, I figured it out. My closest people sometimes do not understand what I mean. I do not know whether they are too judgmental or it is I who cannot present my story clearly. When I release my mind burden, I just want them to listen and be there for me. The unsupportive evaluation just worsens the situation. Unfortunately, they will label me as somebody who is unable to solve a simple problem.
Is it okay if I say you will never know till you experience it? Am I rude? Do I hurt their feelings? Is it wrong if I defend for myself?
Please do not blame me if I shut my mouth and kill my tongue. I just know it too well that none will understand me. I just want to protect myself from disappointment. From disappointing myself that none can help me. From disappointing others that I cannot trust them and rely on them.
I realize that it is bad to withdraw myself from society, but I have nothing else to do. I believe that there are a lot of good people in this world, but none come for me. Actually, some of them came, but they left now.
In the deepest part of my heart, I expect somebody whom I need understands me, asks me whether everything is okay, and promises me that everything is going to be okay, together, with him.
Fortunately, during the dark journey of my social trust, I found many supports. One of my religious idols said that we should not put our hope on human because we will be disappointed in them. Then, my Prophet decreed that God is the one who loves you more than a mother loves her own child.
My friend said, release your pain, tell someone, and be happy.
Then, the answer is that it is okay to keep my pain inside. I release it while praying to God. He will never disappoint me. He deeply listens. He already knew what you felt and experienced, but He wants you to tell Him directly. He owns the oceans, but he prefers your beautiful tears. He will never judge you for what you did not do and be. He only sees good in you and always accepts your repentance. I need none, but God. He is more than enough. He is everything.
Alhamdulillah. Thank you for hugging me with your rahmat, Ya Allah swt. I love you.
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