Dear Adel

Only if I could shout it to you.

Dear Adel, my beloved younger cousin

You used to imitate everything about me, right? Fashion style, high school, dreams, etc.

But, here's one thing I want you to never imitate

Don't get married!

Yes, it fulfills our half religion, true! yet it wasn't easy

Marriage life is a disaster

The first 5 years is filled with love like love birds or puppy love

But after, it was between two heads

If only I could turn back the time, I won't say I won't get married.

I would spend more time for myself, studying, travelling, and anything.

I missed my life before marriage.

I never forget the prayer I said a few years ago just to have this life

But, just having a feeling of missing my life before marriage feels a sin, moreover if he also knows

I may be stupid or he's smart so he can read my mind

I hate it

Can I just have a privacy and hide my feeling?

I will not do something dangerous

I just need a Me Time with myself and my mind

The most beautiful thing about marriage is being a mother

I realized since I was young

Do you remember how we used to play a role being a mother with a baby doll?

It means we already prepared for it unconsciously

I never regret being a mother

It was the most beautiful and the greatest thing happen to my life

Two children are miracles

I love them more than I love myself

I love them that I would die for them

So, enjoy your life before getting married

Do whatever you want to do with YOURSELF

Don't postpone it

Don't wait other people to make your dream true

You have yourself!

I pray you can better than me by not imimating me.

I'm so proud of you.

Hai

If I told you the problem ever faced by my parents, it is just to show you how I would do my best to avoid the same problem. I share it with you in order that we can be better. Not for you to insult me, comparing yourself better that my parent when we are having a problem, and use it to fight against me.

It hurts when you use that problem. It hurts when you praised that you are better than my father, and I was a fool to ever tell you about it.

I wish I won't die soon

Fun yet sad fact about me. If I dream someone and a white tiger, he/she will die soon. Once, I dreamt the sister of my great parent, then my great grand parent, my grand mother, and ME. No, after my grandma was not my mother but it was me. What happen? Will I die soon? Ofc I know that every life will die. But, this fast? As a mother, I'm not that afraid of dying. But, I'm too scared to leave my children. How will they be without their mother? I thought that I was healthy and happy.

Not until e few days ago where my husband was totally in anger. I left my phone in charged in the bedroom and went to the market. While I leave, my husband opened my phone and checked everything. (I'm scared of typing this bcz I can feel the emotion and afraidness). He opened my personan Tiktok account and found a chat with my headmaster. In the chat, my account automatically sent and sgare videos to his account. No intention at all. I didnt delete bcz I thought it wasnt important at all. Until he found and mad. He was mad four about 3 day. He looked me down, insulted me, and qccused me for cheating.

The truth is nothing happen between I and headmaster. We only have a professional interaction. No more! Fyi, I also have a good and professional relationship with his wife. Nothing more than work.

Until the third day he asked me to swear with Al-Quran that I have no relationship with any man. Ya Allah. Nothing I regret about the swear but his trust. I love him but his mistrust hurt me a lot.

Another word that hurt me is when he underestimated my father for his unability to fix the water sprout. It hurt me a lot.

He also said that we already held his anger to me. He said I underestimated his mother. Dont you know how I felt when she said "I LEND this money, not GIVE it for free". During my whole life, I never be in that position. I ofc realize that I was the one who need the money, but how could she repeat the same word a few times. I wasnt deaf. It hurt me a lot.

Be back to my dream, after that fight I experience different on my body. My body trembles too often. My heart beats too fast in a certain moment. I daydreamt unintentionally and without I realize.

He smallens my circle. He asked me to cook for every meal hours. He asked me to wear clothes and hijab longer. He asked me not to bee too active at school. He forced me to stop being the sosmed administrator and the oofficed of DWP. He asked me to focus more on children.

I do all he asked. But, can he fix my body? It gets worse. What motivate me to live are my kids and parents.

Ya Allah, I want to be healthy, happy, blessed, long live, and rich. I know you can give me, so I prayed to you.