Let's get to know each other well

Long timw no see. I this it's about almost five years I did not write my feeling down here.

Huft.

The good news is I married the man I love. The one that used to be the subject I wrore. Yes, it's him.

The bad news is that my world has changed. The only child who was spiled with love, attention, and wealth, now has two kids. Being a wife and a mom was not easy at the same time. I start learning to serve those beloved people.

Another good news is that I am a civil servant. I earn my monthly salary. I can fullfil my daily needs though my husband's money is a way bigger and cope all the needs.

I know that he put much effort on this marriage. He left his family to live with me and mine. He took an allowance on a bank to build up his own house, ours.

Thank you. And I am sorry.

At first I wrote this, I intended to express my anger and unhappiness towards him. In the process, I felt guilty.

He left home. When I asked, he would find happiness outside. I was mad too and came in to the house.

I don't think we know each other well. I don't think that I know you, vice versa.

Let's listen to each other and hug. Let's hold hands and feel the warmth.

We both are tired after work, but housecore and babysitting are our work together. It sounds selfish, but I do need your help.

Just with you I let the doctor's knife scratch my stomach twice. Just with you I do housecore that I never did before. Just with you I want to spend the rest of my life. Just with you I fall in love everyday.

I am lonely :')

My friend once told me about what kind of person I am. I know that people can read my mind and my feeling through my face. It does not mean that they are smart. I just let them in. She said that I was gloomy, or depressed. I just told her that I was mad at the campus life. It, in fact, was not the most difficult thing I face. The problem is about me and the environment around me. Then, she wisely suggested me that I had to release my emotion through telling my closest people.

Then, I figured it out. My closest people sometimes do not understand what I mean. I do not know whether they are too judgmental or it is I who cannot present my story clearly. When I release my mind burden, I just want them to listen and be there for me. The unsupportive evaluation just worsens the situation. Unfortunately, they will label me as somebody who is unable to solve a simple problem.

Is it okay if I say you will never know till you experience it? Am I rude? Do I hurt their feelings? Is it wrong if I defend for myself?

Please do not blame me if I shut my mouth and kill my tongue. I just know it too well that none will understand me. I just want to protect myself from disappointment. From disappointing myself that none can help me. From disappointing others that I cannot trust them and rely on them.

I realize that it is bad to withdraw myself from society, but I have nothing else to do. I believe that there are a lot of good people in this world, but none come for me. Actually, some of them came, but they left now.

In the deepest part of my heart, I expect somebody whom I need understands me, asks me whether everything is okay, and promises me that everything is going to be okay, together, with him.

Fortunately, during the dark journey of my social trust, I found many supports. One of my religious idols said that we should not put our hope on human because we will be disappointed in them. Then, my Prophet decreed that God is the one who loves you more than a mother loves her own child.

My friend said, release your pain, tell someone, and be happy.

Then, the answer is that it is okay to keep my pain inside. I release it while praying to God. He will never disappoint me. He deeply listens. He already knew what you felt and experienced, but He wants you to tell Him directly. He owns the oceans, but he prefers your beautiful tears. He will never judge you for what you did not do and be. He only sees good in you and always accepts your repentance. I need none, but God. He is more than enough. He is everything.

Alhamdulillah. Thank you for hugging me with your rahmat, Ya Allah swt. I love you.

Aku Kembali Demam

Aku sangat sedih melihat foto ini. Calon suamiku berpegangan tangan dengan perempuan lain dan menatap matanya.

Mas, tahu gak? Kamu pernah memintaku untuk bersalaman dengan atasanmu walaupun aku enggan, aku tetap melakukannya. Mas, tahu gak kalau aku sudah bertahun-tahun tidak bersalaman dengan lawan jenis, hanya sesekali dengan guru-guruku. Bahkan aku tidak pernah menyentuh kulit teman laki-lakiku.

Aku berlatih untuk menjadi istri yang baik bagimu. Istri yang terjaga kehormatannya. Karena aku hanya ingin kamu yang menyentuhku, Mas. Maafkan aku jika aku terlalu kaku, primitive, ataupun tertutup.

Rasanya sedih dan cemburu melihatmu melakukan hal seperti itu secara sadar dengan perempuan lain. Mungkin aku yang terlalu menutup diri, kembali lagi, aku hanya ingin disentuh olehmu. Aku ingin menjadi perempuan yang special.

Saat aku bercakap dengan teman lelakiku, sebisa mungkin aku alihkan pandanganku atau aku hanya menatap ujung sepatuku atau cincin yang melingkar di jariku. Bukan aku takut jatuh hati pada teman lelakiku, tapi apapun itu, aku tak ingin membuka kesempatan sedikitpun untuk orang ketiga.

Mas, mungkin kamu tidak ada rasa, tapi siapa tahu dengan orang lain. Selama ini, sudah pernah kita alami adanya orang yang mengganggu hubungan ini. Kau bilang bahwa kau tak memiliki rasa. Lalu bagaimana bisa dia segigih itu padamu? Kita mungkin tidak berniat untuk menggoda, tapi kita tidak bisa mengendalikan pikiran dan perasaanya untuk tidak tergoda.

Pagi ini, saat aku bangunkan kau untuk salat subuh, kau bilang ingin menjemput perempuan itu yang dari Jogja untuk bermain volley di timmu. Aku singkirkan cemburuku dan kuberikan kepercayaanku. Karena hanya itu yang bisa aku lakukan. Yang aku inginkan hanyalah mengakhiri hubungan ini di pelaminan dan hidup bahagia bersamamu hingga maut memisahkan.

Sepanjang perjalananmu ke Surabaya, aku selalu menunggu kabarmu. Tapi, kau mengabariku saat aku bertanya. Lalu, aku tak lupa mengucapkan terima kasih karena mangabariku saat kau tiba di pamekasan. Namun, hatiku terlanjur cemburu buta. Sejujurnya aku marah padamu, namun aku sedih saat kau marah balik dan memarahiku dengan nada tinggi. Aku ingin menjelaskan tapi kau tak mau tau.

Hingga saat aku ketik kata demi kata ini dan ku lihat fotomu berjabat tangan dengan perempuan itu, air mataku belum berhenti mengalir. Aku selalu heran, apakah setidaknyaman ini rasanya mencintai seseorang yang sungguh-sungguh dan perasaan yang dalam?

Selamat atas kemenangan timmu. Dan aku masih menunggumu pulang dari perayaan. Menunggu teleponmu.